.. or the last three days.
Time is relative, it’s all due to perspective.
Trying to slow down, think straight, cool off and stop feeling stressed.
I have work this monday, at a callcenter, if I just want this.
I don’t know how to react to it. I’ve wanted work for a while.. but I’m waiting to hear from other jobs, that I really want.. more.. that I want.. so much more than I can describe. Even if this job would provide money..
.. can I afford to lock myself down like this?
*long line of censored words*
After today, I’m feeling very stressed. Still. I feel pressured.
I DON’T LIKE SUDDEN CHANGES.
If this isn’t sudden.. I don’t know what.
Three days ago.. *shuddering breath*.. I didn’t imagine I’d have work in another month.. at best.
Two days ago, a friend of mine working there spoke with management.
One day ago I got a call “Can you come in tomorrow? 12:30 pm”. Sure. Why not?
Today, I went there, got interviewed.. yada yada.. etc. Today, they want me to start working monday. The mere thought that I do not get time to get used to the thought, even, or a real chance to get a real call from the other place who wanted to hire someone quickly.. *whines and curls up under her cover, crying*.. it feels like I’m being cornered, locked and chained.
I said “I’d like to start not this monday, but the next monday” and they want me to start THIS monday.. because it’s easier for them. Of course, I should have no say, I’ve got NO expereince. But I have a life to manage, and other places more desirable for ME. Where I could actually use my three year education.
A-HOLES.
I want a job badly, I want money so I’m not just leeching off my parents.. but I would love to work within my own profession. FUCK.
Calm down. Breath. Wait until monday. Go shopping with mom tomorrow. I DONT WANT TO. *cries*. Such a fucking looser - I get a job thrown in my face and I break apart because of it, even tho I know some ppl, even on here, have money problems.
Why does everything have to happen to quickly?
.. will it be worth it, or should I turn this down?
I don’t know.. I’m such an asshol.e
Posted on August 13th, 2008 by oblivian in
Feelings I feel like I cannot help myself..
If it’s good weather this weekend, I’ll be sleeping at Lias place because then Hammer will need to get up early to paint (yay houses) and he needs to sleep alone. If, on the other hand it’s raining and being bad weather, I can sleep at his place..
.. *wicked grin*.. and I’ll be bringing alcohol if that happens.
I sooo want it to rain. My instincts are howling at me.
Once every now and then, we should be allowed to be selfish like that.
Right?
Yay for panicking.. etc etc etc..
I slept at Hammers place tonight, and pretty much found out (not by asking, mind you me, by reading) that it’s either him and me on instincts purely that are interested in each other, or his bear and my totemic kitty.. or a mix of the both.
Would I do wrong to experiment a teensy tiny bit with this?
*Innocent whistling*
Seriously.. would I? To ingest alcohol next chance I get, alone with him, and see where it goes - for the sake of experimenting.. would that be a big mistake?
Sure, he has qualities that turn me on like there’s no tomorrow.. *murr*.. he’s twice as strong as me (berserker type soul and person), has *lots* of knowledge about.. all that matters and *falls over* I trust him completely..
.. would I risk ruining that by experimenting a bit?
I’m so curious.. and it makes me tingle in truly odd ways to even consider this. The supernatural scientist in me is awake, for the first time in perhaps a century..
.. and it’s tingling e-ve-ry-where.
Life’s gotten interesting, to say the least - with or without panic.
As to that, I’m pretty damn sure at this point.
When I fineally decided, in my mind, that I’m not going to stay here.. was when these things started happening.
The moment I started settling on Florida, or anywhere at all not here, or at all Sweden.. life here got so much better. I’ve gotten on with working out (not this week, astmathic with a cold swimming a mile.. big nono = p) , relationships with friends have gotten kicked back on track, I graduated with certificate and somewhat good grades, I’m getting along really well with my parents, I’ve found out that I can take care of myself and a home.. etc.. as it is with Hammer, I may even have a friend-with-benefits or potential mate - matter not if it goes to hell or works out well.
Something is very apparently intent on keeping me here, and I’m still not aiming to stay more than maybe 1-1.5 years.. sure, I like it here, not going to say otherwise.
I’ve plans to either join a pack and get strong within it, or get my own one, and.. I’ve kind of got a mate in sight.. in FL.. mhrrr ^^.. you can keep me for a bit, but you cannot cage a wolf.
Ohmîgawd.. or somewhatness of something. I dunno, that’s rambling.
This might get lengthy.. sorry, no - it WILL get lengthy.
It’s ok, it’s my blog. I can ramble freely here.
Ok.. ok.. music.. check!
Mind set to “Function”.. check!
Seriously, freakin’ hell.. had you told me a few years back that this would be my life, now, I’d either have cheered happily or killed myself. Completely seriously. Those few years back, where this does actually begin, even more so as I have recently realized.
Five years back, I regained Kaya, a totemic white cat of mine with a few red spots, details seem unnecessary for the time being.
About a year later, I met with Silver and Hammer, S being wolf..ish and H having a few bears, soulwise of course. Kaya fell instantly in love with Hammer, something I didn’t realize until later, and I felt my own interest in him spark from that evening/night when he, me, S and Karin all met up together for the first time.
I can’t remember when exactly, but maybe a few months later we were sleeping in S’ cabin (shed, rather, but it had a bed, a tv and a table) and uh.. well.. I was sleeping on the floor with H, and we ended up kissing for (insert unknown amount of time) then went to sleep after stating that sex just wasn’t a good idea, for lots of reasons. I bet Kaya was furious at the time.
Nothing more happened, there, then, or even later.. I heard from Karin that H’d said he couldn’t have anything with me, I never found out the specific reason.
Now.. say, actually, last week; Me, Hammer, Phoenix and Lia had a gamenight, playing Risk (a kind of strategy boardgame.. SO MUCH FUN!) and all but Phoenix were drinking (myself for the first time in over a year) and I do dare call that night a faithful night. There were so many pieces put together for that gamenight to happen, instead of the previously planned “Cozy evening out with fire, hotdogs and eventual other meat”.. bad weather, we had to pick up Hammer for him to join us, we arranged it all to be at my place.. etc..
P left around midnight-something, the rest of us.. I can’t remember what we were doing, apart from me and H giving in to our instincts (much easier after the alcohol’s erased all thought processes).. umm.. to the point where Lia thought “ah fuck this.. now I really need to get laid myself! >.<.. I’m leaving you two alone!” and I guess you can see where mine and Hs’ night ended. He was very drunk, so you can also guess how it didn’t end (lesbians have it easy).
I remember finding the cats toys much too interesting right before we started finding eachother interesting (Lia said “Hello Kaya” but yeah she was influencing me, not taking over, to my knowledge totems don’t take over). Just a note.
Afterwards, yesterday actually, I found out that he doesn’t really remember much at all of that evening. Even as I know the amounts of alcohol included, I can feel a thorned snake grinding itself at my spine, and my pride. Does it really take so much for him to see me like that, or for him to dare act on it?
How straight-out pissed off that thought makes me.. it’s enough to make me say stupid things, do things that would do more harm than I would ever, normally intend to do.. the mere thought hurts my pride, my selfconfidence and the security in myself which I am so known for *deep breath* more than I like to admit.
What scares me, also, is how I’ve been getting these feeling of owning, having, over him.. this wednesday we had some drinks, again (not at all the same extent of them) , and me and H ended up curled up in a corner basically ready to sleep like that all night. I just wanted to hug him tightly and murr “*mine*”. Also when I heard he and Lia had gone out to one of the local bars, and he had been offered a threesome with two attractive girls but turned it down (he’s got a few psychological issues of his own, one of them including paranoia) because he couldn’t trust that they’d not just try to stab him. No other reason.
When I heard that, I felt that familiar burn inside that darkens the mind, but I could also feel how it was not MY feeling - there was too much Kaya in it. I’ve been hearing her so clearly lately, like her influence over me is growing because I’m in a weak spot at the moment, and she can see her goal (Hammer) within reach whenever she gets me drunk.
How the hell should I react to this?
I want to find out what could be if we were a couple.
I don’t want to risk it going to hell.
He is one of two I trust fully, I don’t want to risk losing him.
I want more of his energy, so strong, so great.
I want to run, and never look back.
I’m at a crossroad, all roads leading to darkness -
- I cannot see what to choose.
He’ll possibly never know..
.. he’s already hurt me more than anyone else could.
I know that I’ve never looked better, so why does it take someone who.. who the moments he gets alcohol in his blood, shows interest in me.. WHY DOES IT TAKE ALCOHOL?
I want to howl until my throat is bleeding, and my head is empty. What’s the point if noone can hear me?
Posted on August 6th, 2008 by oblivian in
Daily Life Cripes.. I’m so tired.. T_T..
Woke up at 4 am, freezing so much I was shaking - it’s just the beginning of august! It’s not supposed to be COLD!.. uh..
And the entire day’s just been “mweh” so far..
Wow.. elaborate. I feel like shit.
*goes to lay in front of the tv*
Posted on August 4th, 2008 by oblivian in
Happenings What more do I need to say?
It is here, it exists, it’s all mine.