Me, myself, and I
Posted by elocin on Jan 22 2009 | 1 Comment »
Mom and I had another of our “talks” tonight. You never quite know what the talk is about, but it always goes in the same way, doesn’t it? She asked me if I want to move back to New York. I told her no, I don’t want to spend my whole life in the cold, listening to her complain because of the snow. I don’t want to live in a city where I have to feel guilt every time I tell my Grandparents I wont go to church with them. I don’t want to live in a place where I feel like I’m living in the past. I pointed out to her that her past is in New York, but mine isn’t. When we go back there I don’t feel the comfort she gets from it. It’s her home, not mine. I want to leave it behind me, where it belongs. Then our conversation went to how I’m going to make money, and learning to drive, and so much crap that I can’t stand to talk about anymore. I always tell her the same thing: When it comes to my future, I make the choices. I may have to move to New York, but I won’t stay there if I don’t want to.
I really want free. I’ve felt like I’m in a dungeon for years, with no escape. Finally, escape is so close and she’s holding onto me with bloody claws. Sure, she may be agreeing with me that I need to grow up, however she’s telling me what to do at the same time, and if I tell her I want to figure it out, she says she wants to see what I’m doing (aka lists and plans). I don’t want to tell her those things. I don’t want her input, really. I just want my own, my own, my own. Me me me me me. ME.
Tired
Posted by elocin on Dec 23 2008 | Comment now »
Yesterday is over, today is here, and today I’m realizing how dissatisfied I am with my life. I know it gets boring at home, being alone all the time, but that’s not just it. There’s more. I’m dissatisfied with me. The same old dreams and ideas just don’t seem to fit like they used to, and instead of that unhappiness being just in the back of my mind, it’s right up front and presenting itself to me. It’s not possible to ignore something like that. I think it’s time I build upon who I used to be. I can’t get rid of that, who I used to be is what makes me who I am, so I’ll have to take everything that I’ve learned and know so far, and decide what I want to do with it. I know whatever it is, it has to be within my control now. For what’s felt like so long I’ve let other people tell me what to do, and influence me, without standing up for my right to be an individual and make my own choices. That’s got to stop. I don’t care who it is, Mom, family, friends, or even myself. I won’t tolerate being limited by others anymore. I need to start giving myself the credit I’m due, and work towards a better and happier future. I need to start now, before I have any regrets, and before it gets harder to change.
Dreams part 3
Posted by elocin on Dec 23 2008 | Comment now »
I had the weirdest dreams last night. Like going to jail for not remembering something, and every jail cell was like a bedroom, with big fluffy beds and decorations and pictures and the women who are in jail hanging out or doing things. Then this one lady I used to know named Terry came out of a room and introduced me to her four cats…there were two names Mami and Papi, the other ones I don’t remember (when i knew her she was the cat lady, even though she only had two). And then I had one where I was a guy (I think) like back in WW1 or 2, and in my dream Nixon was the president, and I was reading through a book that credited him with making the first nuclear bomb (and everyone hated him for it), and then we were in war, and I married a nurse, and then I had a 3 year old daughter that I was protecting from our enemies by putting her in a cage and twirling the cage around on one of it’s points.
Starry Starry Night
Posted by elocin on Dec 22 2008 | Comment now »
One of the things I think of when I hear the song Starry Starry Night (actually, it’s called Vincent) by Don McLean is when I was 11, and was reading A Wrinkle in Time. I played the song over and over when I was reading it, so the two are connected for me. I loved that book so much, for some reason it meant so much to me. The whole story just seemed so ethereal. I hope to read it again someday.
Today has been off. There’s this Tinkerbell wrapping paper leaning behind something and up against the wall, and every time I walk by it and see the part over the furniture, EVERY TIME, I think it’s a head. It’s so weird.
You know what else is weird today? My shoulder. I was reading a blog (Luin’s), and all of a sudden my shoulder and my shoulder blade started burning. Really, not just like pain but an awful kind of burning. I told Mom about it (it still hurts, and I think it’s been about 40 minutes-1 hour since it started-Edit, when I published this it was over 2 hours since it started) and she asked me if I’m stressed out about anything. Not very much at all. I mean, at every time in my life when I’ve been really stressed out my shoulder blade doesn’t hurt. My hair falls out (but not like a lot, just like maybe 20-30 strands). My shoulder blade has never in my life hurt like this, at least not that I can remember. I’ve been wondering about that lately. I’ve been living pretty much the same life for a few years, with nothing in particular happening, but not too much boredom either (as I have my infinitely amusing mind to talk to and plenty to think about) but the last few months my back has been hurting. I haven’t done anything to it. My bed is fine. I spend as little time on the couch as possible, and sit on firmer chairs, as they’re more comfortable. I just really don’t know what’s causing this. I have a few ideas, but they seem a bit presumptuous, so I’m not willing to subscribe to any of them just yet. I’m sure I’ll figure it out.
I hate where I’m living now. There’s always people screaming and every time they do I end up going to the windows to make sure everything’s ok. I live near very scream-happy people, and I know that, I’ve seen them out playing and making noise, and that’s fine. It’s just that whenever I hear a scream or anything like one, regardless of the noisy neighbors fact and even if I know everything is fine, I still have to check. If I don’t I feel guilt and worry until I do.
Identity and Me
Posted by elocin on Dec 17 2008 | Comment now »
I’ve been thinking tonight about things. Identity, and myself. It’s all so confusing. I was reading a blog, and someone made the point that (I’m paraphrasing here) each race (as in human, elven, fae, and all of the others) can be both really good, and really horrible. That’s what is, I guess, confusing me. This whole “good” and “bad” label. We all have rage, and greed, and hatred. We all also have kindness, and helpfulness, and creativity. So are any of us bad or good? And just to humour myself for a minute, are greed and hatred and rage always bad things? Are kindness, helpfulness, and creativity always good things? You could say in different situations even the things that are supposed to be good can be awful. So then does any of it really matter?
Really, does it? I mean, what makes me myself? I honestly have no idea. If I have the ability to act in so many different ways, how do I measure who I am? Is what I do or how I act who I am, or am I something more, something behind all of that and untouched by the “identity”? If I didn’t have an identity, would I even be…..anything? Could I think or feel, or act? I’m not sure. This is something I should probably not knock my teeth out about, but I can’t help but wonder if there’s anything behind the mask. And the mask, is that for other people to see, or to protect me from seeing what’s underneath, or both? I guess it’s the question of what am I, but also, who am I, and why am I.
Somewhat related and yet unrelated- http://therithere.comicgenesis.com/d/20060828.html. I love that one in particular. I wonder what I can do now for myself. I mean, if I could pull myself from a past life into this life, what would she do to be happier or feel more fulfilled? One thing I’m doing now is learning Welsh. I had started a bit ago but stopped because I wasn’t consistent with it. Regardless of that, I LOVE (yes, capitol letters) the language. Love it. When I hear it spoken, it sounds like poetry to me. Like the gurgling of water at a waterfall. Deep down, I feel like learning Welsh will be a big part of understanding who I am, and who I was.
But what else can I do? I really have to get into nature. I think as soon as I get back to a place with nature (as there is none to be found here that grants privacy and peace and quiet) I’ll probably spend a long, long weekend camping out or something. It’s a dream of mine to someday have a place to live, deep in the forest and miles and miles away from anyone but myself. That might not happen in this world, but I can dream. Another thing I want to do is learn how to play the flute. Which kind? I don’t know. I’ve just always loved the feeling that comes over me when I hear it. I’d like to volunteer somewhere too. When I was younger I always wanted to volunteer at an animal shelter, but I was too young to do so without my Mom, so that never happened. But maybe it can now that I’ve gotten older. I’d like to help plant trees and build houses too (I love building….and planting). With a lifetime and longer to do all of these things in, the list doesn’t seem so long. I’ll have to add more as I go I guess.
Dreams part 2
Posted by elocin on Dec 17 2008 | Comment now »
December 2nd, 2008-
I was traveling with a man, he was either my husband or boyfriend. We were in a savanna like place, headed somewhere, but to get there we had to pass a river with alligators in it. We found a rope and swung across, but one alligator came after us. There was a female lion near us, and we got her attention and tried to get them to fight eachother so that we could get away. After that, we were being chased by some other kind of big cat, I’d say like a cheetah or something similar, and we found a house on long stilt legs to hide out in. The house seemed to belong to a religious missionary man, but since he wasn’t there we decided to stay for the night. The next day he showed up, and my boyfriend talked to him, I think explaining or apologizing for us staying there the night before.
July 30th, 2008-
I see an Eye of Horus. The Eye becomes the center of the sun, and the sun looks more like a clay painting than like the actual sun. Then the Eye splits into two eyes, and they move to where eyes on the sun would be.
The next dream I had that night was odd, but the main focus was a building that had caught fire. The building crumbled over into a large pool of water, but the fire didn’t stop.
July 10th, 2008-
I was walking down a road similar to the one Mom works on, when I spoted two crows with white on them flying towards me. I kneel down because I think they’re going to hit me. They land on me, one on my left arm, the other on my right shoulder, and they’re heavy. I stay bent down for a moment, and then talk myself into looking up (I’m afraid one of them will peck my eye out). I look up at the left crow, and look into it’s eyes, and the dream is over.
July 8th, 2008-
Frasier (from the tv sitcom Frasier) was dying. His brother, Niles, thinks it’ll be a good idea to put on a play in his honor. Frasier gets to direct it, which makes him happy. The actors are hired. Everything is set up, and it’s time for the play to start. People start to gather, and it’s very crowded, so I sit on the side ledge (there’s soda cans all around me). His whole family is there (Daphne is played by a different actress, who has blonde hair). Frasier watches from the front row, and he’s happy with it. After the play is done, Frasier has to go in for surgery, but he already knows he’s going to die. His family holds onto hope though. After that I see a kind of slide show of how he looks after each of his surgeries, and each picture shows him sicker than he was before, though each time he’s smiling. The first time he comes out he looks ok, after the second he looks slightly worse. The third time he looks gray, with big circles under his eyes. The fourth surgery he dies. His whole family was either crying or in shock, and they left the hospital without him.
I had a bird and a butterfly in a small plastic container, the type where you can slide the top on or off. Half of it was filled with water. I loved them both so much. The bird was very tiny, not much bigger than the butterfly, and the butterfly was orange. I let the bird and butterfly out of the container, and the bird landed on my chest, walked up to my face and started to peck between my lips. The butterfly landed either on my arm or my heart and stayed there. I had to put them back in the container, and after they were in the container got moved so much that it killed them both. The butterfly got smushed, and the bird was in the water. I was called into the grocery store I was in front of by my Mom, so I had to go.
There’s an old lady, and age is making her lose her mind. Her children are afraid for her, even though she’s very wise. She holds onto a support beam when she thinks she might fall down. She writes in her diary poems and letters to her husband, who is newly deceased. She’s aware that her time to die is upon her. Her and her family go to the supermarket, where they have a big table rectangular for her, her children, and her grandchildren to sit at. She walks in and sees a woman with a new infant, and asks to hold her. After she holds the baby, she sits down at the head of the table, as she is the head of the family. Her son reads her a letter she wrote in her diary to her husband, around the time of his passing, and while he’s reading she dies.
July 6th, 2008-
It starts with Mom and I, we’re seperated by something, and to get to her I’m going to have to travel a bit. So I start off, and walk up a mountain area for a bit, until I get picked up by an animal. The animal is like a antelope, and it carried me in it’s antlers. It carries me up the mountain and down in a depression on the top. There I meet three women-one little girl, one woman who’s the little girl’s mother, and an older woman who is the mother’s mother, and the little girl’s Grandmother. The Mother and Grandmother are very kind to me, but the little girl is standoffish. One of the older women tell the little girl to give me a bluebird feather, which she does, and I gladly take it from her and thank her for it. Then I’m on my way again, still being carried by the large horned animal. It runs up to a beautiful lake, but I’m afraid to go in it because there are baby jaguars swimming around, at least three of them. The animal carrying me, or myself, grabs onto a rope and jumps underwater. We went through the water to the other side, and when we come out I have a baby jaguar on my lap, but I’m not afraid because it’s just laying on my lap. Then we run up a step formation to the top of a mountain, some things happened that I don’t remember, and I was reunited with my Mom. We hugged, and the dream started again (with even more detail that I won’t go into).
I don’t know when I had this dream but-
I fell into a ritual fire area in the desert, and in the fire pit I found a blue and red feather piece that goes into a headband. A Native American man came up to me, and I asked him if it belonged to him, but he didn’t talk to me, just stared back, and I realized I had to move because he’s performing a ritual of some sort. I move, and fall from a plateau or edge.
There’s an older woman, and she hands me a yam and tells me to eat it. I bite off the top of the yam, and there’s a bone inside that’s filled with a green jelly like substance that I have to eat, it kind of reminds me of bone marrow. It tastes kind of sweet. Then the woman and I are near the same ritual site as before, but now a camp is set up with children running around and RVs.
Dreams part 1
Posted by elocin on Nov 06 2008 | 3 Comments »
3/19/08-Mom and I were driving down —- Rd., just crossed the bridge, when I saw a swarm of what I assumed were black birds. As they drew closer to us though, I saw that there were giant bald eagles amoung them, if not all of them (I assume going in an east or southern direction, or somewhere in between).
-I was in a bedroom, maybe similar to my bedroom in AZ. There were about 6 snakes, 2 were the eldest, the medium sized two were the adults, and the two smaller ones were the babies. The smaller ones kept lunging at me and I was afraid I would get bit a few times, when someone or something crushes them for me. I can’t help but feel bad for how they died, even though I’m relieved.
July 25th, 2008-I walk outside and there’s a woman standing near my door. She looks like she could be Hispanic, or even Arabian or Indian, and she looked to be around 50, with long black hair down to her waist. She tells me I need to go to a store where they sell soft food for birds, because it would make Karma feel better or happier, and I need to meet a fortune teller woman there.
She goes on to describe the store to me in detail. I don’t know if she told me or if I just guessed but I was under the impression after a while that she was half-demon (a la Lilith). Mom said that I should stay away from her after she found out, and I saw the woman jump off our second story deck, and when I told mom about it, she said something like “See? I knew it.” But I told her or myself (I don’t remember which) that I still trusted her, because when we talked I felt safe, not afraid.
I left for the (aforementioned) store, which was an odd cross between a dollar store and a pagan store. I walked through it and got about 3 cans of food for Karma, and maybe a few other things, and I came to $80, with $6 tax added on. I had $140. They gave me a few big stuffed animal toys for Karma, which made me happy, especially since the food was so expensive. The old woman who sold me the bird food had bagged the stuff for me already, and off I went, to a completely different house right next to their store, which I guess I lived in.
Although I had gone to that store, I got the feeling it wasn’t the right one. I looked for another store, but it was around a bend I didn’t feel safe going to, so I decided not to. In fact, it came to me. I found that it was right next to the last store I had gone to. I went inside and went through beads hanging down into the main store, where I met two people. A woman and a man, who spent their time bickering back and forth and trying to help me (though their help was more an annoyance than helpful). I broke away from them, and went through the store and found another (or maybe the same) old lady sitting at a table, possibly with a crystal ball in front of her. She was petite and wearing a light blue sparkly bandana cap wrapped around her head. I sat down, and I think she took my hands and she talked and told me (probably) about my future and the dream was over.
I just don’t know what to do.
Posted by elocin on Sep 09 2008 | 2 Comments »
I’m so tired of Mom always asking me what I’m doing online. I usually end up telling her I’m looking up Pagan things, but of course I’m looking up Otherkin things or psychic things. I can’t help being defensive about this, because I feel like she would not accept it, or even if she did, it’d just be another notch on her “why my daughter is a freak” belt.
She’s told me before I’m a difficult person to understand, and hard to raise…and I really can’t help that. I want her to be happy, but she’s right, I’m not like normal teenagers, and I can’t go through my life pretending so that she’s happy, because I’ll be miserable. Besides that, it’s not my job to make her comfortable, if she wants to be she may as well decide to be and stop, just stop, expecting me to one day just *change*.
Whenever we get into those conversations she tells me that she was shy when she was my age too, and I’ll change. Well I know I’ll grow and change with age, but I don’t think my energy or myself is going to change that much. I’m sure she’s just waiting for the moment when I “wake up” and start begging her to take me to the mall, like every other healthy, normal teenager.
I hate that it’s ok to be who I am as long as it doesn’t affect her in any way. I also asked her recently what my energy was like, and she said it was very black and white, and heavy. Well I’m sorry, but that’s the kind of person I am. I have limits I don’t like to be crossed, and I’m not a jovial, skipping, sing-songy, volley ball playing beach girl like she imagined I’d be.
-End
Green Eyes
Posted by elocin on Sep 08 2008 | 2 Comments »
So last night I was daydreaming about various things, and thinking about an entity I had a dream about 6 years ago. I was thinking about him and me, and all of a sudden this green flash went through my head, where the person that was me had green eyes and skin, and was emanating a green energy.
I think it’s a part of at least one of my forms. I’ve also had a dream where I had black hair and a black wing in the middle of my back, which might have been two wings with one sprouting point. Either way, more meditation is in order!
As for life stuff. Ants are attacking this place, it’s insane. Mom keeps calling me to check and see, which is pissing me off beyond belief. My parakeet has been screeching and chirping for hours, and I can’t tell what she wants at all. I tried to scream in a pillow (yes, it’s silly) but I couldn’t make myself so much, because I have such a loud high pitch scream…I didn’t want to send anyone into a seisure, you know? (I’m only kind of kidding)
I got a new sweet Italian Basil plant. It’s so pretty and green and the leaves make a sweet sound when they rustle against eachother. I took off a few of the older leaves to use for the ants because Mom read somewhere that ants don’t like basil, but it didn’t work. So I guess for now I’ll use her leaves for baking, when the recipe calls for basil. Fresh is so much better.
Have I mentioned how much my back hurts? Holy crap.