The Lair of Clodaus

It’s another one of those nights. On my drive home, I was listening to an old Enigma CD I used to listen to constantly years back. The Screen Behind the Mirror. Each of the CDs, due to the times I got them, represent different points in my past. While some of them are meshed, some of the songs raise very powerful memories and emotions. Music does that to me (as well as many others, I’m sure).

In this case, I primarily felt emotions. Emotions of four, five, six years ago when my life was so drastically different. I didn’t have the life I have today - physical friends, a job, a fiancé…it was all much simpler. All my friends were online, my relationship was online, and I had nothing to do all day but sit at a computer and work on my own personal projects. That’s how the Community spawned.

In fact, I still recall the countless days I laid in bed on my laptop pondering and developing The Otherkin Community. It was my baby. I didn’t know if it would succeed or not - none of my other manifestations did. But I had a good feeling about that one, and I was willing to pour my heart and soul into it. And that I did.

But that isn’t possible anymore; not with my current lifestyle. Nor will it be possible again for a while. But never again will it be possible in such a magnitude. I miss the days where I could spend 24/7 working on whatever I’d like, stay up however late I wanted…but it’s not that I miss being a kid. I don’t. But can’t say I don’t miss the ignorance I once had. It gave me such a unique view. Pertaining to my previous entry - views I no longer hold, but many I wish I still at least partially had.

So I’m not sure that there’s much of any direction with this entry. It’s just amazing how things change. Five years ago, I never would have expected that I’d be where I am now (though I had the “bad” feeling at the time that I would). I wanted quite the opposite. I hated living where I was. I hated living on Earth. I hated humanity. I hated this body. I hated how I couldn’t do any of the metaphysical things I learned; I lived in a fantasy, partially meshed with reality…it was often too blurred to tell the difference.

But I was very happy. Not happy about life in general. I was quite miserable. But deep down, even though I couldn’t really feel it, I was happy. Now? I’ve gained a great deal in other areas, but deep down, I’m just disappointed. Not depressed, but I feel like I’ve lost a lot. I have a lot of work to do.

Hello, October.

It’s been quite a while since I last made an entry on this blog. I had never expected it to get much use to begin with, but I thought I may as well make an attempt. Well, sitting here tonight I feel like I should once again record my thoughts. While doing so is still rather uncomfortable to me, I feel as though some opening up may suit me. It will also help me get my thoughts in order.

For the past two-three years, I’ve been rather disconnected from my past metaphysical practices. I’ve been otherwise involved in minor, scattered research and experiments, but that’s very different than what I used to do. I feel as though my sacrifice of my past practices has been a great loss. I’ve felt that way for quite some time. Yet, I continue to do very little about it, primarily due to time constraints and lack of motivation.

Back in 2003 when I began to get into all of this “stuff”, I secured myself a place right in a center of a group of friends and other contacts that lived and breathed both Otherkin and metaphysics, in a variety of forms (be it an organized practice such as Wicca, or something more vague such as Magick). It was a very diverse group and they provided countless opinions and views on subjects I had never even considered (or known existed). It was a rapid (and bumpy) learning experience. Whether the information was misleading or true, I’d absorb it all like a sponge. The next four-five years were a rapid development.

And then it all slowly began to die off. It wasn’t necessarily a loss of interest. It was a variety of factors. While I’ll hardly be able to recall them all (or be willing to go into such great detail), it wouldn’t hurt to name a few.

Read the rest of this entry »

After listening to S.O.A.D. and entered a certain mindset, the following poem emerged. Take from it what you wish - it is open to as much misinterpretation as intent.

Failing judgment
Blinded minds
World of the Creator
Nothing more than pure disguise
Unkempt wisdom
Faded ways
Crooked pathways
Deafened ears
“All hail the King!
The coming!”
All imprisoned
All denied
Boundless mind
Encaged
Warped desires
Desperate turns
No excuse
Faith vanquish the world
Rotting minds
Poor-stitched hearts
Lifeless members
Bleeding eyes
Ringing ears
Stitched lips
“ALL FAIL THE WISDOM!
All life, ignore!
Questions, taboo!
With us, you follow!
Strayers, forgotten!
Wanderers, beaten!
Climb the steps
I’ll knock you down!
Look the mirror
I’ll shatter you!
Round the corner
Knock you out
Show me wisdom
I show you pain
Question life?
No, question death.
Come to me
I’ll show you way
Eyes deceive you
Pluck them out!
Your hands, they wander
Tie them up!
Your feet, no need to go
Bind them!
Your ears
My tool
Shut the doors!
You need only heed my words!
I’ll take from you your sorrows
Grant you everlasting life
In return, this life
You give to me
After death, you see
All this, you thank me”
Shattered minds
Fearful hearts
Eye sockets bleeding
Onto shaken arms
Masses gather
Blinded lines
Bound together
Keys in mind
“Dare escape?
You’ll wander blind!
This life, waisted
Next, unkind!”
Corruption soaring
Sky grows dark
Torrents raging
Promises undone
Unbearable regret
Remember the key!
Release yourself
Road’s end, it nears
Dare you continue
Life of lies
Difficult to see
With blinded eyes
Difficult to explore
When bound
Difficult to hear
From deafening screams
Life forsaken
Treacherous entities

Evolution occurs when the unfit die off. For example, back before medicines and other technologies, if a group of humans had very poor vision and could not hunt to survive, they would die off. Therefore, the result would be humans with good vision, with exceptions of those that were taken care of. Now, technology has come to the aid of the “unfit”. If there is a problem with our bodies, we simply fix it. In the case of vision, we have glasses, contacts and surgeries. If your hearing is poor, you get a hearing aid. If you lose a limb, you get a prosthetic one. If your body can not combat an illness on its own, medicines aid it.

Human technology has grown to a level that surpasses the natural laws of evolution. They can no longer take place unless some event happens that is outside the scope of their current level of technology. The human body will no longer grow and evolove to become better suited to its environment unless a global event occurs that is not preventable or adaptable with technology, or the human genes are modified with technology. The race is effectively at a standstill.

Physically. They are physically at a standstill. Without worrying about survival and adaption, humans may explore alternative evolutionary goals. For example, rather than worrying about being strong to hunt for your family, you can worry about being intelligent to receive enough income to support your family. You may have extra time on your hand to relax or explore your body’s senses. Meditation…awareness. The human mind may evolove. But only if they allow it to.

Currently, anything that falls under the term “parapsychology” causes people to hide in the shadows if confronted publically. Until they begin to group together and collectively explore the limits of their bodies, this evolution will be scattered. Who will become the fittest?

Just one of those random thoughts while in the shower and noticing that I could see much more clearly than normal (because I normally do not put in my contacts until after I shower). Odd what it leads to, huh?

It’s been quite a while since I’ve felt this way. For quite a while, I’ve closed myself off - almost completely. To appear completely “normal” - that is, what society might view as normal. Not to fit in, no; just so I didn’t stand out. I got sick of dealing with stuff. It wasn’t necessary. So I blocked myself off from the world. Most of those who looked at me would not guess that I may be Otherkin, may find me to be “weak” in the sense of ability (that is, essentially no ability), etc. I couldn’t really do anything either. Even my strongest abilities, such as empathy, were entirely blocked off.

But lately I’ve felt the need to open up more. Being so closed in made me feel claustrophobic in a sense. I recall, years ago while I began to awakening, a lasting anxiety. Whenever something interesting was happening…or something new with my senses (let’s say precog, or sensing something new around me), I would grow anxious. So I was anxious quite a bit. As soon as I closed myself in, the anxiety completely faded. Well, now it’s back. I can’t say I missed it.

Because I’ve been “gone” for so long, I’m not used to certain things. For example, tonight I was driving and could sense things around me. But I couldn’t decipher any of it - I could sense the stuff around me but I had no idea what any of it was. It was all one mass to me. As I began to clarify some of it, the anxiety would fade, but it was just one thing after another. So the anxiety persists.

Being home is nice, though; a sanctuary.  Shielded off from the world. I feel safe and comfortable here. It’s not that I don’t feel safe elsewhere; it’s hard to explain. Years ago I shielded the area around this house much like I shielded myself. Provides a sense of security. It’s certainly wonderful not being bothered all the time as well. Though now I can sense those who make it through or roam outside. While it feels wonderful being able to sense around - I feel much more connected - it was also nice being ignorant of it all.

I was recently watching some metaphysical videos on a certain site. It made me remember why I don’t promote or really want videos on the Community. I’m not saying they were false - it’s just too difficult to tell. There’s so few ways to actually do all of this stuff, like levitate something or even move a psi wheel, but there’s limitless ways to fake it. My months as an illusionist only served to demonstrate that further. I can’t levitate anything to save my life, but I could do plenty of illusions to convince someone that I am. Even levitating myself. And I have. In person, not videos. And I’ve told them it was an illusion.

Once I became more knowledgeable with illusions, I decided this gave me an excellent opertunity - to protect the members of the Community from false videos. But there’s a problem. While I may be able to identify an illusion or list ways it could be an illusion, I could also be wrong. Yes, some will be painfully obvious, but others…what if they’re real? I may be able to produce a video that looks exactly the same, but the original video may be real. In which case I’d be “debunking” a true video. That is not what I want to do.

So where is the line? Should I be overprotective, or encouraging? I don’t want members to take a false video as fact. I want to encourage them to keep an open mind, but not blindy accept. Yet, at the same time, I don’t want to try to disprove someone who actually did something. They’d most likely be excited - unless it’s something they’ve been doing for a while. And me speaking against it would hardly be encouragement for them. What if it were to get them out of the practice? Nobody accepting or believing you is hardly encouragement.

So it’s a bit of a dilema. A gamble. There will be more false videos than true, especially when the Community grows, but I don’t want to get in the habbit of trying to disprove everything (or trying to). Because real ones will come along.

Whether it’s me or not, others will argue it. There’s very few ways to show a video that would be conclusive - if it’s even possible in the modern day with special effects and an overflowing repatour for illusionists. I dunno. Thoughts would be appreciated. For anyone that actually reads this, since I know I haven’t posted much. I’d be surprised if anyone still checks in.

I debated posting this. I debate posting a lot of things; especially something so controversial. Something I could not possibly back up. So, as always, I write my thoughts as I see them. My own personal opinion from my own experiences. Please, do not regard my posts as fact. Experience it for yourself…if you can. Or evaluate my reasoning. If you feel it makes sense, adopt it at your own discretion. Better yet, point and laugh. At least then I’ll feel like I’m doing some type of a favor.

The topic of fate/destiny is something that I have long avoided in this lifetime. I would not accept it; I would not believe in it. If someone mentioned “This is my destiny,” I would think “…okay, interesting view; but I do not believe in it.” Unfortunatly, my beliefs in this life couldn’t outweigh my experience. I speak of memories from past lives, of course. I wouldn’t be so ignorant as to ignore them for what I want to believe in. It pains me to post this. It really does.

I was having a discussion with someone very close to me recently. The discussion was fate. I was asked what my beliefs on it were. I could not give an answer. You see, in this life, I am indifferent about many things. I have no idea what to think - how could I possibly believe something with no basis? Nothing to go off of? People saying “this is how it is” with no firm evidence? No - that’s ignorant and in my opinion retarded. Forgive me for being blunt.  Just as I would find it retarded that you would accept this post blindly without considering every angle and evaluating my statements. So, in this life, aside from what I wanted to believe - I had no solid opinion. So in this case, I just try to remember what my opinion is. From other lives. From past experience from which I actually have a basis for such an opinion.

So I thought back. What are my opinions on fate? On destiny? I use such terms interchangeably, forgive me if there’s a significant difference. I think to my precogs. They always turn out how I see them - no matter what action I was to take. I would just see myself taking that action. It was as if it was set in stone. Nothing I could change. And to me that seemed…well, unacceptable. Should that be true, precogs would be a curse. Seeing something horrible happen that you were unable to defend against or change. But in a way it made sense. If things were not predetermined, then how would I come about this information? How would I see it? It has to come from somewhere. I have to be interpreting something. If I were interpreting randomness, then why would it always turn out correctly? There had to be order.

Whenever I remember something from a previous life, I need to put it in a context that I can understand. Terminology, customs, knowledge, etc are different in this life. So I thought back to my awakening. I was introduced to these things called “threads” - assumably a term applied to what one might call, for lack of a better term, a specific “timeline”. Alternate realities, I suppose. Again, I use the closest terms I know of. It may not be exact. These threads, as they were so creatively named, I would see as, well, threads. This thread, or line, represented time. Think of it as a timeline, like ones you’re used to working with in History class. On time lines, what do you see? Lines for specific events. So, the time line is horizontal and the events are vertical. There was also a line that stood out - the line representing the current time. It would advance, obviously. Now, I didn’t see billions of other lines for events. I only saw lines when I was looking for something.

Okay, before you guys think I’m insane. What’s going on? Lines? Timelines? There’s some universal timeline that you can look at? Lol, no. Not exactly. This is simply my interpretation of it. This is how I saw it; what was easiest for me at the time (and easiest to explain; now I interpret the information as pure thought or imagry, which I can not explain here - it’s like just “knowing” - as if I already lived it. As if it’s a memory - my post below). This imagry was picked up from those who told me of threads. So others may imagine it differently. This is simply the “thread” interpretation.

Forgive me if my terminology is incorrect. I’m going off of memory here. I could sort of “zoom out” to see many other threads. Grouped together by similarity. Like alternate timelines - similar events, but slight differences. The more I zoomed out, the more I “saw” - within my capicity of course. I only “looked” at small bunches at a time. The purpose of imagry, after all, is to simplify the task - to make it easier to interpret. Seeing billions of lines is no aid. Anyway…this collection of threads I believe was refered to as a “weft”. Again, I could be wrong. Correct me if I am. I’ll change it.

No, we haven’t really gotten off topic. Let’s go back to the original discussion, now that you have the background on what I see as “threads”. My question was - do I believe in destiny? I stated that my precogs always seem to come true, no matter what - as if time is predetermined. These threads - picture them as…let’s say…movie strips. I can watch it, I can do whatever I’d like - I can change my actions - but the movie will always end the same. In my past - in other lives - the only way this has ever changed is if the thread changed. If I “went” to another. I wasn’t changing anything. I was just watching the same movie with an alternate ending.

So if I wanted to avoid my destiny? That was the only way for me. And I did it a lot. Well, not just to avoid my destiny. That would be selfish. And my “a lot”, I don’t mean frequent. It’s spanned over a great deal of time. I don’t recall what I avoided or why; these are just thoughts. Sometimes I wasn’t avoiding anything. Might just be looking for something. I just know that’s what I do. Interesting existence. Anyway, that was also the only way I could change others’ fates - take them out as well. I can not explain to you how it works…one would assume that there’d be another “them” in that timeline already. But it never interfered. Maybe it was just transferring the consciousness. But then what happened to the original? What happened to the body back on the other thread? I can not answer that. I know that I do know the answer, but I have not looked into it. It’s not something I’d understand at the moment.

Bah, all this from one simple question. So, do I believe in destiny? Do I believe that…you are bound to end up somewhere? Bound to do something? Well, sort of. I view it as a naturally occuring set path. You’re not “destined” to go there - movies aren’t “destined” - that’s not the term you use. They just…are. On this thread, you’re going to do this. On another, you’re going to do that. At least that’s how I see it. That’s my personal opinion.

And how could I resist tieing this into science? When I first thought about the future being predetermined, I didn’t think of metaphysics. I thought of modern theoretical sciences.  A very controversial theory many don’t want to accept for good reason. Who would like to know that they have no free will? Just the illusion of it? So I provide to you some links of this phenonmenon. Essentially, what it states, is that, since the beginning of time, all particles have their own set course. They will follow this course - it’s predetermined. It’s destined. Nothing will change it. If two bullets are shot at each other in empty space where literally no other particles or energy of any kind exist, they’re destined to hit eventually. I provide links that argue both sides, not just the above point.

Does quantum mechanics answer the question of free will…?

Quantum Mechanics & Free Will

Wikipedia - Free Will

The Origin of Time, Quantum Mechanics, and Free Will

Heh…I understand the title may not make much sense. I suppose it’s something you’d have to be able to relate to. Music…for me…brings back so many memories. When I listen to something, I often momentarily relive a moment when I was previously listening to that song. And that’s good…they’re memories I wouldn’t really ever think of otherwise. And memories I hold very dear…anything that can remind me is sacred.

But the memories aren’t always in the past. Well, they are - but technically they’re in the future. Precognition…is my most prominent “ability” - I find it difficult to call it that, since it’s not really something I can do. It just…is. My precogs are in the form of memories. To me, it’s already happened. And I miss that…I miss what’s happened. Everything is just so different now. Everything I worked for, I have to work for again. But I suppose…it’s better than missing a memory that will never happen again.

Yeah, I’d consider myself crazy too…but I’ve yet to be wrong…in a way that sucks. I’m afraid to mention it to people because I’m afraid of being wrong. I’ve only publicly announced one precog - in a thread on the Community in which I posted the pictures to the October storm. Though that was more of a hunch than a clear memory like I have now. Maybe once I gain more confidence. Though…we’ll see. They’re my memories, after all. They’re sacred…

I haven’t posted in a while, so I may as well post about this so I have something to look back on. I recently started looking into the necessary steps for filing with the state to incorporate the Community, as well as file with the IRS as a 501(c)(3) nonprofit charity. It’s quite a handful - especially doing it all without a lawyer. There’s a lot to look through - scanning over one hundred pages of law and other fine details.

But I don’t want to register it just yet. I’ll take it slow, see how it goes. I’ll work on the Community a bit more - hopefully get the new site up, or close to up, in the next year. I do not want to file until the Community is near ready to go public, because as soon as we file, we’re on the clock. We will have five years (…did I say on the clock? yeah, five years’ll go by quick) to prove to the IRS that we are a “public charity” - that we have a wide base of support - or else we’ll be knocked down to a private foundation and lose some tax benefits. But I know it’ll work out.

Looking over it, it’s quite exciting. And a lot of my work has already been done for me - the laws actually require certain things that I had planned. It also has certain provisions that are probably for the best, though it seems a bit cowardly for them to have made the law - we’re absolutely prohibited from trying to influence any elections (such as presidential, state, etc) by supporting one candidate any more than another (if we support one, we’d have to support them all equally). But that’ll keep us out of politics - at least in that regard. Which is a good thing…we’ll have our own political problems to deal with.

The total cost of filing will be $385 - $10 to file with the Board of Education, $75 with the state, and $300 for the IRS. I’ll be paying that even if the members do not want to donate toward that - it’d be nice, though, if they did. And more encouraging.

I don’t have enough random and seemingly pointless topics in this blog. So, here’s the first. My hiccups just returned a few seconds ago. I thought I had reigned supreme over them earlier this evening. I thought wrong. And now they have stopped. I feel it…wanting to hiccup again…but…thus far…nothing…*paranoid*

Well, they seemed to have stopped. Hurray for now. Careful, they may jump to you. On a lighter note, I decided to add a “Photos” section. After seeing some member photos I decided to take up my interest in photography when I get the chance. Unfortunately there’s not much around here to aid me with that. I guess we’ll see what happens. And since I’m a bit less camera shy now, it’ll also include some photos of myself.